手機版
Dear Lonely Hearts: Do you spend hours at your computer, clicking through pages of single people on online dating sites? Are you exhausted from tweaking your profile, updating your photos and emailing potential matches? Are you sick and tired of feeling rejected when so many of them don't answer?
It may be time for you to break up with online dating and try meeting a mate in the scary, old-fashioned way: face to face.
For generations, people met at parties, in church or synagogue, through friends, even-- at work. But then we went online. We began making friends on Facebook and trolling for potential partners on websites like Match.com and eHarmony.
Sometimes it works. You probably know at least one couple who met online. I know half a dozen. But there's something that's easy to lose sight of: These happy folks aren't typical. Most people never meet their soul mate online. 'It's exhausting,' says Kate Wachs, a Chicago psychologist and author of 'Relationships for Dummies.' 'People burn out really fast.'
Before you even get started, you have to create your marketing pitch -- get some decent photos, write an engaging profile, sometimes take a personality test. Then you scan hundreds, maybe thousands, of profiles and compose emails to the people you want to meet. If all this doesn't wear you out, the actual dates will.
That's, of course, if anyone bothers to email back. A lawsuit filed in December and seeking class-action status in U.S. District Court in Dallas alleges more than half the profiles on Match.com are 'inactive, fake or fraudulent.' Match.com general manager Mandy Ginsberg says the site's full-time fraud-prevention team works to identify and block fake profiles, including IP addresses that are in specific countries where fraud is prevalent or that try to set up multiple profiles. There are 1.7 million paid subscribers on the site, Ms. Ginsberg says, and fraud happens to very few of them.
'Online dating is a lot of time for very little return,' says Jeff Koleba, 31, a Manhattan consumer-brand manager. At one point, he had active profiles on five dating sites. He says he found it draining to come home each night and study profiles, draft clever emails to the women he was attracted to -- and then often receive no response. He recently quit online dating.
Now, Mr. Koleba tries to meet women when he is out and about -- taking improvisational comedy classes, playing on a co-ed intramural soccer team, exercising with a runners group. 'It's easy to talk, because we already share a common interest,' he says. 'So at least you'll usually get a decent conversation, even if it winds up going nowhere dating-wise.'
Where can you meet Mr. or Ms. Right without going online (or to a bar)? I've asked around and heard these suggestions: Home Depot. The airport. The supermarket produce section. (Whole Foods and Trader Joe's have 'the best looking and healthiest prospects,' according to a musician friend of mine.)
I had some luck recently at a triathlon finish line in Miami -- and I didn't even have to break a sweat. I was there with my sister, Rachel, to cheer on my brother-in-law, J.J., who was running in his first race. I was waiting on a breakwall by the water when a handsome man in running shorts sat down next to me. He asked if I was waiting for a husband or boyfriend, and I suddenly developed a southern accent: 'Whah noooo, Ahm not!'
Then it hit me: Here was a mass of people in skimpy outfits who were clearly very fit -- and had their ages written right on the back of their calves! It was easy to find things to say. We chatted about the race. Mr. Triathlon got to brag a little, and I got to show my nurturing side, asking concerned questions and offering to get him more water. I was having a great time -- until my sister appeared abruptly and announced that her husband was exhausted and we needed to leave immediately. (It took two days, but I did start speaking to her again.)
Last year, Karen Jordan methodically told friends, family and acquaintances that she was looking to meet a man who was 'kind, generous, accomplished yet humble.' 'To me, it's just like when you are looking for a new job,' says the owner of a Los Angeles skin-care company. 'It's a matter of asking for help.' She met her boyfriend through someone in her church choir.
After Lisa Jenkins, 42, a Clarkston, Wash., marketing consultant, got divorced several years ago, she came up with a method she calls 'reverse stalking.' Once or twice a week, she frequented places she found interesting -- bookstores, art galleries, a bistro, a charity -- at about the same time of day. 'People who might be interested in you know where to find you when they finally get up the courage to ask you out,' she says.
While volunteering on a fund-raiser for a local college art center, she met another volunteer, who asked her to lunch. Three years later, they are engaged. 'I am very glad I didn't leave it to chance,' Ms. Jenkins says.
Christopher Murray, 43, a Manhattan social worker, invited all his single gay friends to a game night at his apartment. Twelve men ate pizza and played a charades-like game called 'celebrity' (you divide into teams and try to guess the names of famous people). Mr. Murray says the activity 'allowed people to be interactive and work on a project together.' His friend, Manhattan artist Joseph Cavalieri, 50, says, 'It puts so much less pressure on you, because it's a group of people, so you are more relaxed.'
How can you meet more people offline? Ask everyone you know for help. And be specific about what you are looking for, so you only get introduced to good prospects.
When you volunteer with your local alumni club, fund-raising event or political campaign, sign up for the job that gives you an excuse to call others.
Become the designated photographer at weddings, bar mitzvahs and other events. Shooting video of Uncle Phil's 90th birthday requires you to wander around and talk to people without being self-conscious.
Put down the device. Get your head out of your smartphone, computer or iPad. You won't seem approachable if no one can see your face.
Smile more. Pretend you're on vacation, a time when most people are more approachable and talk more to strangers.
Travel in business class. People are less grumpy, more chatty. And there are free drinks.
Move to a neighborhood or a building that seems to have lots of people you'd like to meet.
Borrow a cute puppy and walk it someplace with sidewalk cafes. Or take it to the dog run. But be sure to own up to the fact that it isn't your dog: You don't want to get caught in a lie before your first date.
參考譯文：
親愛的征婚朋友：你是否曾經(jīng)在網(wǎng)上花幾個小時流覽征婚網(wǎng)站上一頁一頁的單身人士資訊？你是否因為不斷調整個人資料、更新個人照片、給有可能發(fā)展的交往對象發(fā)郵件而感到精疲力盡？而當許多發(fā)出去的郵件都石沉大海時，那種被人拒絕的滋味會讓你覺得煩了累了嗎？
對你來說，也許是時候與這種網(wǎng)上交友方式說拜拜了，也是時候嘗試通過一種讓你覺得害怕但卻十分傳統(tǒng)的方式與潛在約會對象見面了，這就是在現(xiàn)實生活中面對彼此。
幾代人以來，人們在派對或是教會中相識，通過朋友認識彼此，甚至——會在工作中發(fā)展戀情�？珊髞砦覀兩暇W(wǎng)了。我們開始在Facebook上交朋友，在Match.com和eHarmony這樣的網(wǎng)站上尋找潛在的交往對象。
有時候這種方式的確行之有效。你可能至少認識一對通過網(wǎng)戀走到一起的夫妻。我認識六對�？捎幸恍┦虑槭侨菀妆缓鲆暤模哼@些幸福的夫妻并不具有代表性。多數(shù)人的精神伴侶絕不是在網(wǎng)上認識的。芝加哥心理學家、《傻瓜的戀愛關系》(Relationships for Dummies)的作者沃克斯(Kate Wachs)說，這種戀愛關系使人疲憊不堪，激情很快就會耗盡。
甚至在你還沒有開始之前，你就得進行一番行銷宣傳——弄一些體面的照片、寫一份有吸引力的資料，有時還要參加性格測試。然后你要流覽上百份、也許是上千份個人資料，接下來再給你想見面的人寫電子郵件。如果所有這些還沒有耗盡你的精力與熱情，那么現(xiàn)實中的見面將會使它們統(tǒng)統(tǒng)耗盡。
而如果有人不嫌麻煩，回復了你的郵件，情況更是如此。一樁12月份提起的訴訟宣稱，Match.com上超過一半的資料都是“無效、虛假或是具有欺詐性的。”這起訴訟正向達拉斯地方法院申請成為集體訴訟。Match.com的總經(jīng)理金斯伯格(Mandy Ginsberg)說，該網(wǎng)站有專門的打假小組負責查找并遮罩虛假資料，包括來自造假現(xiàn)象猖獗的特定國家的IP地址，以及那些試圖建立多份個人資料的IP地址。金斯伯格說，該網(wǎng)站有170萬付費使用者，提供虛假資訊的只是很少一些人。
31歲的科勒巴(Jeff Koleba)是曼哈頓一名消費者品牌經(jīng)理，他說網(wǎng)上交友是一件頗為費時但卻沒什么回報的事情。他曾經(jīng)是五個交友網(wǎng)站的活躍會員。他說，他每晚回家都要查看其他人的資料，并將精心構思的電子郵件發(fā)給他中意的女子——但之后卻往往杳無音信，這讓他感覺很疲憊。最近他已經(jīng)放棄了網(wǎng)上交友。
現(xiàn)在，科勒巴試著走出家門，到外面去接觸女性，他參加了即興戲劇表演班，在男女混合足球隊中踢球，還與一個跑步團體一起鍛煉。他說，找人搭腔很容易，因為我們已經(jīng)有了一項共同的興趣。所以通常來說你至少可以有一次愉快的談話經(jīng)歷，即便它最終不是朝著戀愛的方向發(fā)展。
除了上網(wǎng)（或是泡吧），在哪兒可以遇見自己的意中人呢？我四處打聽，得到了這些建議：家得寶(Home Depot)，機場，超市的農產品區(qū)。（我的一個音樂家朋友說，在Whole Foods和Trader Joe's有機會碰到“最好看、最健康的另一半”。）
最近在邁阿密一項三項全能賽事的終點線附近我交上了“桃花運”——而且還不費吹灰之力。當時我和妹妹瑞秋(Rachel)一起，在那兒為第一次參加比賽的妹夫J.J.加油。我正在水邊的防洪堤上等著，這時一位穿著運動短褲的帥氣男子坐到了我身邊。他問我是不是在等男友或是丈夫，我用不知從哪兒冒出來的南方口音告訴他，不是。
我突然意識到：這里的很多人都穿著緊身而暴露的運動服，身材顯然棒極了——他們的年齡也從各自的小腿肚上得到了清晰的體現(xiàn)。找到話題很容易。我們聊了聊這次比賽。這位“三項全能”先生免不了吹噓了一番，而我也展示了自己溫柔體貼的一面，問了一些關心他的問題，還問他是否還需要水。我聊得很開心——直到我妹妹突然出現(xiàn)，說她丈夫體力透支，我們得馬上離開。（為此我整整兩天沒搭理她，不過后來我還是重新開始和她講話了。）
喬丹(Karen Jordan)在洛杉磯經(jīng)營著一家護膚中心，去年她在向親朋好友談到自己想找一個什么樣的人時，一條條地列出了她的條件：善良、慷慨、事業(yè)有成但要為人謙遜。她說，對我而言，這就好像是在找一份新的工作。這是我在尋求幫助。后來，她通過教會唱詩班的一個人結識了現(xiàn)在的男朋友。
42歲的詹金斯(Lisa Jenkins)是華盛頓州克拉克斯頓(Clarkston)的一名行銷顧問，幾年前離異后，她想出了一種她稱之為“逆向追蹤”的方法。她常常會到她認為有意思的地方去——書店、畫廊、某家酒吧、某個慈善團體——每周去一兩次，每次都在差不多的時間去。她說，當那些可能對你感興趣的人終于鼓足勇氣約你出去時，他們會知道去哪兒找你。
在為當?shù)匾凰髮W的藝術中心進行的募捐活動做義工期間，詹金斯結識了另一名義工，他邀請她共進午餐。三年后，他們訂婚了。詹金斯說，我真慶幸自己當時沒有聽天由命。
43歲的穆雷(Christopher Murray)是曼哈頓的一名社會工作者，他邀請他所有單身的同性戀朋友到自己的公寓共度游戲之夜。12個男人吃著披薩，玩起了“猜人名”游戲（參與者分成幾組，試著猜出名人的名字）。穆雷說，這種活動增進了人與人之間的交流，讓人們可以齊心協(xié)力地做一件事。他的朋友、50歲的曼哈頓藝術家卡瓦利里(Joseph Cavalieri)說，這種活動大大地緩解了你的壓力，因為這是一群人，你也因此而更加放松。
怎樣才能在網(wǎng)絡之外的現(xiàn)實生活中認識更多的人呢？向所有你認識的人求助。對于你想找什么樣的人，盡量說得具體些，這樣他們才只會把有交往前景的對象介紹給你。
當你在當?shù)匦Ｓ褧�、在募捐活動或是政治競選活動中做志愿者時，為這份工作簽訂協(xié)約，這樣你就有藉口給別人打電話了。
在婚禮、成年禮以及其他活動中擔任指定攝影師。設想一下，作為菲爾叔叔90歲生日宴會的攝影師，你當然得四處走走，還可以很自然地與人搭話而不會顯得突兀。
放下各種電子設備。將你的目光從智慧手機、電腦或是iPad上移開。如果沒人能看清你的臉，你會顯得拒人于千里之外的樣子。
多笑一笑。想像你正在度假，人們在度假時往往會更容易接近，也會與陌生人有更多的交談。
選擇商務艙。那里的人脾氣沒那么壞，也更健談。那兒還有免費的飲料。
如果一個社區(qū)或是一座大樓中似乎有許多你樂意結識的人，搬去那里。
借一只可愛的小狗，牽著它到有露天咖啡館的地方去。或是把它帶到專門的遛狗場所。但務必要爽快地承認這不是你的狗：你不希望在第一次約會前就被發(fā)現(xiàn)撒了謊吧。
