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At the end of an interview with the chairman of a public company in China, I got a box of paper handicrafts. After taking a close friend's parents to dinner, I received a silk scarf. After meeting the son of family friends for brunch, I got a box of Beijing Olympic memorabilia.
How did I feel about getting all these "nice-to-meet-you" gifts in New York City? Awkward.
Gifts are a way to show affection and respect in most cultures. In the U.S., the end-of-year holiday season is the high time for gifts that say "I love you," and in the corporate world it's common to use small gifts with logos as marketing.
Li's editor seems somewhat baffled by this gift.
In China, giving gifts is part of everyday life. On Chinese television, many products -- from dietary supplements and moon cake (a festival dessert) to hard liquor -- are marketed as the perfect gift. That's because we need to bring gifts when we visit our parents, grandparents, relatives, teachers, bosses and colleagues. (By the way, we've imported Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day, or at least the part about buying gifts.) It's considered rude to show up at somebody's door empty-handed -- especially the first time you visit.
Why? There are many reasons, but I like the explanation offered by a Chinese friend living in New York: Most Chinese aren't comfortable with displaying emotions in public or in written notes, so we use gifts to express these feelings. A gift is a way to tell the recipient who we are and show how much we respect or love them.
While it's very important to bring the "appropriate" gift, what makes a gift appropriate is tricky. And what's appropriate for Chinese can be confusing -- or even offensive -- in another culture.
Just ask Lois Olson, a business-school professor at San Diego State University who's been visiting and teaching in China since the early 1990s.
Dr. Olson has learned that hierarchy is ingrained in Chinese society, and very much reflected in the choice of gifts. When she went to teach a marketing class at a food-processing company, she brought with her four globes. The one for the boss, whom Dr. Olson describes as a "little dragon lady," was about six inches in diameter, while the other three were about two inches in diameter. The smaller globes were for the dragon lady's underlings.
Dr. Olson knew the boss had a reputation for having complete command of her employees, and felt that "if anybody is going to appreciate hierarchy, she would." But she admits that as an American, matching gifts to positions was hard to do -- it felt rude.
Now Dr. Olson always brings a selection of different gifts when she visits China, and tailors the gift to the person. If an executive has a giant desk in the office with a jumble of trophies on display, Dr. Olson will know that they're very status-conscious. She gives such people a paperweight that's "big and heavy and says, 'I'm important,' but is totally useless," she says. If the person doesn't seem as status-obsessed, she'll give them books or beautiful photos.
In China, hierarchy doesn't just apply to gift-giving. When Dr. Olson went to China with other faculty members, she was usually the only woman on the team, and she found her male colleagues were always treated better. "They got better seats on the mini-buses and they got better views," she says. And when it came to gifts, they received bottles of Chinese whiskey while she got a silk scarf.
I can see how a Chinese host would think a silk scarf would be more useful to a woman than a bottle of whiskey. But I can also see the American point of view, and the problem with singling a person out just because she's different than the others.
Many Chinese traveling abroad like to say "Nice to meet you" with gifts that are distinctively Chinese. Like every nation, we're proud of our culture and believe that we have the responsibility to help others better understand us.
Before I came to the U.S., my best friend dragged me to a handicrafts market in Beijing to shop for gifts that are distinctively Chinese. "You're going to a new country and you're going to meet new people," she said. "It will be nice to give them something very Chinese as present."
I bought 20 ornaments that can be hung from a car's rearview mirror or on a wall. Each has a long red tassel and a red wooden plate a little smaller than a Post-It note. On one side of the plate is a calligraphic Chinese character that says either Happiness, Fortune or Longevity. On the other side is the colorful head of a character from Peking opera.
Most of the 20 ornaments are still in a plastic bag somewhere in my apartment. When I first arrived in New York, I felt weird about giving anybody a gift -- nobody did that except on special occasions. The few ornaments I gave out went mostly to my friends, and then only because I knew they would appreciate them.
I was lucky that my friend in Beijing recommended cheap and light handicrafts. A friend of mine was part of a group of Chinese bankers who attended a conference in Dubai a few years ago. They decided that miniature Chinese-style rock gardens would impress Wall Street bankers and Middle Eastern princes they might meet, but they hadn't considered that they'd have to carry heavy rocks all the way from southern China to Dubai -- or that the recipients would have to carry them home. I wonder how many of those rocks made it all the way to Wall Street.
中文閱讀：
幾個(gè)月前，我在紐約的辦公室里采訪一位國內(nèi)來的上市公司董事長。采訪結(jié)束后送到電梯口，他的助手從包里掏出一盒剪紙說送給我做紀(jì)念。我推了幾次，說公司規(guī)定不可以接受禮物，他們連說這個(gè)不值錢，我只好收下。回來后給了一位從我桌前走過的同事。
我好朋友的父母來紐約探親，我請(qǐng)他們吃飯，飯后非要塞給我一條絲巾。我請(qǐng)父母朋友的孩子吃飯，也不得不收下一盒奧運(yùn)會(huì)紀(jì)念品。我辦公桌最下面的抽屜里還放著幾條絲巾，都是國內(nèi)來的團(tuán)送的。并不是這些禮品不夠好－－樣樣都很精美，樣樣都代表著送禮人的心意。
在中國送禮是一門學(xué)問，什么人什么情況下送什么禮都很有講究。這里面不僅僅是禮大禮小的問題，更多的是一種敬意和問候。親友間走動(dòng)要送禮。一家公司到另一家公司初次拜訪，也常常會(huì)拎著禮品去。很多人在送禮上很費(fèi)心思，認(rèn)為送的禮越重表達(dá)的情誼越深，而且還會(huì)給不同級(jí)別、不同性別的人買不同的禮物。
雖然我們常說禮多人不怪，但我這里主要想講美國人對(duì)送禮和接受禮品的一些慣例，以免大家費(fèi)很多心思，花很大力氣拿了禮品來美國，卻不能達(dá)到預(yù)期的效果。
在美國第一次見面就送人禮物是很少見的。用加州圣地亞哥州立大學(xué)商學(xué)院教授Lois Olson的話說，中國人送禮表達(dá)的意思更多的是“歡迎”和“很高興認(rèn)識(shí)你”，而美國人送禮表達(dá)的意思更多的是“謝謝你”。
在公務(wù)交往中，很多美國公司對(duì)接受禮品的價(jià)值有具體規(guī)定，送不好容易導(dǎo)致誤解或造成尷尬場面。除了促銷用的原珠筆等小禮品外，我接觸的美國公司中很少正式送禮。即便送，也常常是認(rèn)識(shí)以后，在過圣誕、新年時(shí)寄張賀卡，或事情辦完后寄一張感謝卡，非常特殊的情況下送一瓶酒，一束花或一個(gè)果藍(lán)。
很多公司（包括我報(bào)社）規(guī)定，員工可以接受的禮品價(jià)值上限是20到25美元。少數(shù)公司規(guī)定極其嚴(yán)格，例如沃爾瑪雇員連客戶的一杯咖啡都不能喝。因?yàn)榕侣闊液臀业囊恍┩滤餍詫?duì)外說禮品一概都不能收。有時(shí)候有公司寄來看起來比較貴的禮物，我們還要花錢花時(shí)間寄回去。不宜郵寄的禮物還得送到慈善組織捐掉。就我個(gè)人而言，對(duì)制造了這么多麻煩的禮品能領(lǐng)的情是非常有限的。
一些公司對(duì)員工送出禮品的價(jià)值也有嚴(yán)格規(guī)定，以免招惹不必要的麻煩。美國金融業(yè)自律組織全國券商協(xié)會(huì)在一份四頁紙的文件里規(guī)定，券商送客戶的禮品價(jià)值不能超過100美元。一位做公關(guān)的朋友在一位客戶生病住院期間送了一個(gè)75美元的果籃，結(jié)果還被自己公司的財(cái)務(wù)部門追問了一番。
這并不是說美國就不存在用美酒佳肴和豪華旅游來拉關(guān)系的現(xiàn)象。只要涉及錢、權(quán)的地方就有發(fā)生這種事情的可能。每周四晚上，曼哈頓高級(jí)餐館里總是坐滿了用公司信用卡消費(fèi)的證券業(yè)人士和律師。很多公司都會(huì)買熱門體育比賽的包廂邀請(qǐng)客戶參加，也有的在很好的旅游點(diǎn)舉辦客戶會(huì)議，或陪重要客戶到有名的高爾夫球場打球。但這些活動(dòng)里哪些算“過分”，哪些算“適度”，全國券商協(xié)會(huì)沒有象對(duì)禮品一樣有具體規(guī)定，只是說此類活動(dòng)只要不是太經(jīng)�；蛱亸埦蛯僬Ｉ虅�(wù)活動(dòng)。
三年前金融界爆出的一大丑聞是，華爾街上的中型證券經(jīng)紀(jì)公司Jefferies為招攬F(tuán)idelity基金公司的經(jīng)紀(jì)生意，給一位職員一年150萬美元的客戶娛樂預(yù)算用來拉關(guān)系。這位老兄多次花幾萬美元租專用飛機(jī)把Fidelity交易員和高管飛到世界各地，招待他們幾百美元一瓶的酒水，幾百美元一張的網(wǎng)球比賽和音樂會(huì)票。有時(shí)一次活動(dòng)就花掉十幾萬美元。全國券商協(xié)會(huì)后來對(duì)Jefferies罰款550萬美元。
近幾年，美國政界和商界的曖昧關(guān)系也制造了不少丑聞。曾顯赫一時(shí)的共和黨說客Jack Abramoff前兩年鋃鐺入獄，罪名之一就是陰謀賄賂國會(huì)議員。他帶議員和助手去蘇格蘭等地著名的高爾夫球場打球，邀請(qǐng)他們到自己開的高級(jí)餐館免費(fèi)就餐，送他們高級(jí)禮物等。為改變政界形象，國會(huì)兩院作出了一系列新規(guī)定，例如議員不能接受說客禮品，不能與說客一起就餐（不用刀叉的冷餐，如用手和牙簽?zāi)闷饋砭湍艹缘牟颓靶〕�，例外）等�?br />
考慮到美國企業(yè)界和政界對(duì)禮品的嚴(yán)格規(guī)定，送禮的價(jià)值不要太高，以免產(chǎn)生誤解，或給人造成心理壓力。意思到了就行了，甚至不送可能更好，因?yàn)槎鄶?shù)人都是有職業(yè)精神的，并不會(huì)因?yàn)槟闼筒凰投Y而有態(tài)度上的區(qū)別。
送禮一定要講平等。我不能說美國社會(huì)就絕對(duì)平等，但他們表面上做得不錯(cuò)，至少很多人說話做事時(shí)會(huì)比較注意平等待人。相比較而言，中國人等級(jí)觀念比較強(qiáng)，這在送禮上也有表現(xiàn)。我一位在紐約的朋友說，一個(gè)中國代表團(tuán)到她公司參觀，送了她和她老板同樣的禮物，但老板的比她的大很多，這對(duì)一個(gè)從德克薩斯來的女孩簡直是不可思議。
加州圣地亞哥州立大學(xué)商學(xué)院教授Lois Olson常去中國講課，她早已領(lǐng)悟了中國人送禮中的等級(jí)的奧秘。她到一家食品公司做市場培訓(xùn)時(shí)就買了四個(gè)地球儀，一個(gè)大的給那家公司非常厲害的女老板，三個(gè)小的給直接打交道的高管。女老板看她這么識(shí)相，笑逐顏開。但Olson教授說：“做到這一點(diǎn)對(duì)我這個(gè)美國人來說是很難的，因?yàn)槲抑肋@種作法很粗魯。”
她這么說是因?yàn)樗约壕团龅接兄袊舅退哪型旅贫凰退蝗艘粭l絲巾。我想，這家公司可能是覺得絲巾對(duì)女人更合適，但在美國人看來，你就是把她單獨(dú)拎了出來，沒有平等對(duì)待。這樣送禮的結(jié)果還不如不送。
如果美國人送了你東西，要記得表示感謝。一位朋友在國內(nèi)為一家美國科技公司工作期間，曾帶一位高管拜訪聯(lián)通，也入鄉(xiāng)隨俗地送了小禮品。過了一段時(shí)間，這位高管疑惑地問朋友：“為什么聯(lián)通連個(gè)感謝的賀卡都沒有寄來呢？”
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